Want Love? Make Room!
by: Natalie Vartanian
This article is also posted in http://nataliethecoach.com
Like anything in life, if you want something really bad, you are gonna have to work for it.
This work can be anything – learning the fundamentals, doing research, assigning yourself homework, putting in the effort, doing differently than you have in the past to get a new result.
It’s about learning, growing, making mistakes and starting all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Side Note: Seeing as we put so much effort into our personal hygiene and appearance, I don’t wanna hear any excuses about the work we have to put in for love!
Besides this work does not have to be hard work. Yes sometimes it is hard. You are working with wounds that were not attended to and never really healed properly.
Inevitably we have to go back and rip them off in order to let them heal again … but with much more love and attention and compassion this time.
Sometimes the work really is just inquiring into the things we do that might get in the way of love. Then once we know about it, we can put more focus and attention there to do it differently the next time. More about gentle direction and course correction.
The thing that I’ve been realizing about this so-called work is that it also entails making the room for this love we say we want.
You say you are ready. But how are you showing that? Is there room in your life, in your calendar, in your home, in your heart? All of these things are important.
If we don’t give something enough room … to have its seeds planted and then nurtured and then to grow and sustain itself, then it’s killing it right from the beginning. It does not really stand a chance to thrive.
The reason I speak to this is because it has been coming up in my life prreettyyyy significantly these days .
I’ve been saying that I want a relationship and that I am “ready” for quite a while, yet my actions were to the contrary.
I would find myself in relationships that were fun or intense, yet when I thought about reciprocity or ease, it always felt like it was missing. That pattern would happen again and again.
Sure I carved out the space in my schedule and in my life and even uprooted myself from my home in one instance, but when it came down to the room in my heart I was still closed off.
I was only allowing people in that really didn’t deserve to be there, to be radically honest. I wasn’t being selective with who I invited in. How did I know this? They didn’t want to make the same type of room themselves for me in their hearts and lives.
It was downright painful to see how much I kept repeating that pattern. Somewhere deep inside, I think that I believed I only deserved to have a small part and not the whole. I was fine with sleeping on the curb as opposed to the master bedroom … for them to give me whatever scraps and leftovers as opposed to enjoying the full meal.
Never was I invited in and treated like the honored guest at the table, as I should have been. The sadder thing here is I didn’t even request an invitation.
We get stuck or comfortable. We justify all the ways in which that’s okay … Not ever fighting for our place.
Don’t get me wrong. Some battles are not worth fighting. If you’re clearly with somebody that is not giving you time and attention and space, who has not carved out the room in their heart and their life for you … walk away.
I repeat … Walk away!
Dont make excuses, don’t justify it, because all that is doing is giving more evidence to why you don’t deserve that.
It’s been a year since my last relationship and I definitely loved him. I made massive room in my life to be with this person. I was convinced that he was the person that I would be building a life with.
Unfortunately he didn’t have that same intention and that was my bad for believing that the curb was actually my place at the table.
We live, we learn, we adjust. We try again.
We try again because we trust that love is our birthright. That it is all around us and when we make room for it, it will appear.
For the past month and a half, almost 2 months, I have been coming back to that place of “I’m ready” but you can bet your sexy ass that I am doing it different this time. I am looking at it in a more holistic way.
Is there room available in my head, heart, body and soul?
I know I want love. I know I am ready. So what does that mean now? What do I need to do to prepare for it?
I know I’ve done the work. I’ve done a bunch, I repeat A BUNCH, of heavy lifting in the past, so this time around my work wasn’t so much of an overhaul. It didn’t require major purges, exorcisms or intense healings.
It was a actually pretty simple. To be honest it felt more like spring cleaning.
I did two things:
I said NO to a relationship that was not in integrity for me. While it was exhilarating, it was also intoxicating. It was taking me away from what I really truly wanted in a committed partnership. (Asterisk Footnote: Casual sex where everyone is on the same page and having fun does not fit into this category in my book).
I physically made space in my bedroom. I created a place that would have someone I care about feel like they have room for themselves. They would feel special.
And wouldn’t you know it? Someone showed up. In a very strong, very aligned way.
I got to see how much the work I had done to make that room paid off. I felt the difference in our interactions and connection. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Can you say Swoon City?
I could also tell he felt comfortable being in my space and that it was because I was clear on the type of person I allowed in … Those actions welcomed him with open arms. I welcomed him with open arms.
So you say you want love?
My question to you then is how are you making room for it?
Are you speaking up about what you need?
Are you clear and communicative as to what your boundaries are?
Are you open to not just giving but receiving love?
Are you respecting your space (aka your self)?
Are you being vulnerable, acting courageously and having fun in the process?
Doing the work pays off, I promise. Creating the space inevitably allows it to be filled. Universe operates as a vacuum remember?
Lastly if you need support in making that room, get it! I know I would not have been able to do it without my awesome friends, coaches, therapists, etc. In case you hadn’t notice, I’m a pretty talented love coach too 😉
We may not have been popped out of the womb with this information and experience but we can sure as hell learn it!